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Combatting the Shame Spiral

jeniesmth

spiral of shame

"Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose, instead of serving shame." Brene Brown


Shame has been my biggest obstacle to peace and joy. Over the years of my adult life, I perfected the craft of perseverating on the wrongs I’ve committed, regardless of perceived impact. My own Voice of Shame has been loud and intrusive and is always correct. For decades, I have struggled to understand the source of this voice, because I have been told by numerous professionals that certainly it emanates from some external childhood source.


I have never been able to identify that source, despite valiant efforts and thousands of pages of journaling and a hundred hours of EMDR and meditation and yoga. My conclusion is, then, that this voice of Shame comes from within me. So, it’s a short leap from there to, that voice of shame IS me. That’s where I’ve been stuck, for decades. I’m only now teasing my way to the other side of that morass of sticky tangled threads.


The problem with equating Shame, or any other emotion, to my identity, is that it’s a false premise, and a dangerous one. I am not my shame. Nor am I my joy. I am not my addiction. I am not my mental illness. All those things are parts of my brain, but none of them is my identity. None of them is my Self. Recognizing this distinction has been the greatest challenge but the most effective hack toward reclaiming my own power and engaging with all these pieces from a place of curiosity and compassion, rather than from a place of fear and a wish to escape.


Shame does serve a purpose, if that shame is not the endpoint. If we can notice that our Shame self has shown up at the party and invite it to briefly express itself, thinking of Shame as a gateway to grace, then that Shame can’t hijack our thoughts, our Self.


We’ve allowed it to be present at the table, and we’ve fostered some curiosity. We’ve taken a pause and asked Shame, why are you here right now? That recognition alone is often enough to transition our brains and our thinking to that place of grace.


This is NOT an easy process, so I’ve needed to recognize it as a practice. This is not a one-and-done. My own shame triggers are ubiquitous some days, and non-existent other days, but a difference now is that I see Shame, I recognize her, and I pause to consider her presence. Fundamentally, I am learning not to make Shame wrong. She is a part of me, she has been as long as I can remember, and if I allow her a voice, but not dominance, I come much quicker to a place of curiosity and of observation: “Hunh. Why are you showing up here today, and with overwhelming volume, when my “wrong” was relatively minor (being late for a meeting, for instance)?”


Are you stuck in a years-long repetitive shame spiral? If you’d like some tactics to help

with that, reach out to me and book a discovery call below.


Jenie



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